if you like me you must not know who I am
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
