i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
