cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
