I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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