His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
