ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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