Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
