Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize