I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
