you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
