I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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