It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Randomize
