i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
