Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
foreskin is a definite game changer
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
