After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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