my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
