I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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