I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
