Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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