Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She said her name was "party"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
