i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize