i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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