is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize