dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
