Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
