I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
