i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
