I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
