She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
