Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
