I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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