Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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