we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
