dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
