Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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