There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
