FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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