Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
