And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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