can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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