Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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