It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
