I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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