I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
