I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
