Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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