We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
