In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
