Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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