The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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