If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
