I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
