Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
