he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
