I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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