i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They took my balls.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
