I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
