i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
