Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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