i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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